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danny needs to come home
right now
i miss you boo ):
i hate this confusion
everything was perfect
right
in
place
& now im...bored, really
creating
saying
thinking
these stupid things
..ideas.
reasons to not be so lonely
i love you baby
i love you
i love you

sleeping
face2face
singing
lovesongs
all day long
and forever
forever
forever

i hate the flu and i hate not being with you its been too long this is stupid

third eye blind reminds me of you
and driving in your dads red convertable in the summer
"losing a whole year" mostly
I remember you and me usta spend, the whole god damned day in bed..ha.
roxanne said you looked happy
i wonder if I'd still randomly think of you if my lover was around
I think you were in a dream of mine, I think that's why I've thinking of you again.
three years, two and a half, oh well i guess I was just young
and we hold onto to things from then, it's been so long
I forget the bad sometimes, there was a lot of bad, but never gave enough credit to the good
I wonder if I meant it when I said (a million times)
I'll love you forever
things like that don't erase, do they? maybe I wasted a lot of time
Well I did
you're totally in love and all that good stuff
but so am I, so who cares?

four years later and im still writing about you.

hm.

I'm really sick with the flu or something, I feel like death.
I hate it here.
8 days until you're out, then not too long until I actually see you...fall asleep next to you..
every second feels like forever though, I love you
so much.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

-Captain Corelli's Mandolin
(Great film.)

the only person ive been lying to, is myself. for example, last night and tricking myself into thinking i want to be with a girl, well it was short lived at least and after some shit, realized hardcore that im not into girls-so that confusion is over at least. ive become a pretty honest person...well, pretty brutally honest.

this journal entry isnt private, is it? have any of them ever been?

some people can't take that very well-some people even get so pissed off/intimidated about it that they call me a liar. well when it comes to last night, i meant what i said when i said it, thought i did anyway, but by the end of the night it wasn't hard to tell that id simply been trying to forget about my heartache and move on, make sense of all my failed relationships.

when i got home-now sick from the fucking cold i had to walk in- i cried myself to sleep. not only because i feel like my honesty and lack of having anything to hide is somewhat of a curse, people are still lying to me in really fucked ways...but also because i realized i do still care about daniel and want to be with him (and think he may possibly be lying to me as well)

well ive really no idea, nothing ever failed with him, i just haven't spoken to him and im getting a bad feeling about what's happened between us and think the situation is far too fucked to make sense...far too fucked to sit here and believe i have reason to wait for him and that he's not lying to me...all assumptions (well, strong ideas?) but like i say in a video that ill post later...love is fucking crazy and it has no rules and despite how messed up this situation may appear to be...i love the guy. but dont get me wrong, i wont stop myself from living my life and doing what i feel is right to do, im not exactly waiting for him at this point (have to put myself and my heart first) but if he calls in two weeks, or whenever, and he wasn't lying..and his feelings for me are in tact...ill be there 100%..with all that said..

there's this old song by lifehouse that im sure you've all heard..that pretty much explains how i feel right now about this...about him...1 2 3 go..


I'd rather I chase your shadow all my life
Than be afraid of my own
I'd rather be with you
I'd rather not know
Where I'll be than
Be alone and convinced that I know

When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
And I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

Everything I know has let me down
So I will just let go
Let you turn me inside out
Cause I know I'm not sure
about anything
But you wouldn't have it any other way

When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
And I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

Spinning turning watching burning
All my life has found its meaning
Walking crawling climbing falling
All my life has found its meaning

You and I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

I know we've never had much of a relationship but I've always wanted to, and the past like..two years or whatever...I thought it was developing, I thought we were goanna be friends.

We talked about some serious stuff after the first death, your father, happened. I couldn't believe you actually opened up to me, I cried so fucking hard- for you, for our family, because it was so terrible, and because somewhere in between it brought us closer, everyone really.

Well now you're a fucking big shot in a signed band and you're on tour all the time and you're living in Florida and you don't give a shit about me. The whole "big shot famous guy" stuff, well it obviously runs in the family but what the fuck...

if I were where you are right now- and YOU were still stuck on the island...me knowing you hate it and are A FUCKING MUSICIAN AS WELL WHO MISSES HER FUCKING COUSIN

ok

you get the point, not like you even read this. but if you do...BY THE BY I BRAG ABOUT MY AMAZING TALENTED COUSIN IN THIS AMAZING BAND ALL THE TIME DID YOU KNOW THAT? NOPE DIDNT THINK SO...well not anymore becausxe I'm just..goanna be a 12 year old about it really...that's why.

Why do I care so much? Well let's just say I don't have much of a family in terms of closeness...among other things..ha. So I'm done trying with you, you go be a big shot, I'll get to my big shot statues, and when we're both really famous no one will even fucking know we're blood related but who cares

ok bye

queens

im definitely feeling sick from being in the cold with my ripped up shoes and little jacket all night. i was wrapped up on the couch since i woke up today, watching desperate housewives and then some weird lifetime movie feeling shitty shit-then daniel called and i feel like i can dance around and sing till i collapse, only 21 days now until i see my love again

"i won't be able to make it down there without you"

i decided ill stay and live with the mother until then, not goanna go to port jeff...because in 21 days ill be leaving for the caribbean to stay with danny in his mothers guest house, and i can watch my sailor, sail, fall asleep beside me...

face to face.



i have more faith than ever... in him, in me, in us, and in life. im sober, im awake, and im okay...im finally okay.


(ive been writing in the book you gave me, but i still need a chain for the locket)

then danny called, everything is perfect and so fucked at the same time and i always cry when i talk to him
"yea it sounds like you have like..control over your life"
and i do...but not when it comes to you (is what i didn't say back)

and im letting myself speak with this fucking lisp i cant hide it anymore, oh it feels good to suck and sound stupid, i dont care whatever

i bought a bra today? i really hate it but decided i rather not have my tits reach my knees by the time in 30

haha bye