ztbluescreen

ztbluescreen @ 2008-12-10T16:50:00

2008-12-10T21:50:54Z

add new livej
http://pskillerbee.livejournal.com/

ztbluescreen @ 2008-12-02T21:08:00

2008-12-03T02:11:16Z

danny needs to come home
right now
i miss you boo ):
i hate this confusion
everything was perfect
right
in
place
& now im...bored, really
creating
saying
thinking
these stupid things
..ideas.
reasons to not be so lonely
i love you baby
i love you
i love you

sleeping
face2face
singing
lovesongs
all day long
and forever
forever
forever

i hate the flu and i hate not being with you its been too long this is stupid

how's it goanna be when you don't know me..?

2008-12-01T19:38:56Z

third eye blind reminds me of you
and driving in your dads red convertable in the summer
"losing a whole year" mostly
I remember you and me usta spend, the whole god damned day in bed..ha.
roxanne said you looked happy
i wonder if I'd still randomly think of you if my lover was around
I think you were in a dream of mine, I think that's why I've thinking of you again.
three years, two and a half, oh well i guess I was just young
and we hold onto to things from then, it's been so long
I forget the bad sometimes, there was a lot of bad, but never gave enough credit to the good
I wonder if I meant it when I said (a million times)
I'll love you forever
things like that don't erase, do they? maybe I wasted a lot of time
Well I did
you're totally in love and all that good stuff
but so am I, so who cares?

four years later and im still writing about you.

hm.

daniel

2008-11-30T17:15:52Z

I'm really sick with the flu or something, I feel like death.
I hate it here.
8 days until you're out, then not too long until I actually see you...fall asleep next to you..
every second feels like forever though, I love you
so much.

ztbluescreen @ 2008-11-19T16:57:00

2008-11-19T21:59:07Z

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

-Captain Corelli's Mandolin
(Great film.)

sam

2008-11-19T19:05:10Z

the only person ive been lying to, is myself. for example, last night and tricking myself into thinking i want to be with a girl, well it was short lived at least and after some shit, realized hardcore that im not into girls-so that confusion is over at least. ive become a pretty honest person...well, pretty brutally honest.

this journal entry isnt private, is it? have any of them ever been?

some people can't take that very well-some people even get so pissed off/intimidated about it that they call me a liar. well when it comes to last night, i meant what i said when i said it, thought i did anyway, but by the end of the night it wasn't hard to tell that id simply been trying to forget about my heartache and move on, make sense of all my failed relationships.

when i got home-now sick from the fucking cold i had to walk in- i cried myself to sleep. not only because i feel like my honesty and lack of having anything to hide is somewhat of a curse, people are still lying to me in really fucked ways...but also because i realized i do still care about daniel and want to be with him (and think he may possibly be lying to me as well)

well ive really no idea, nothing ever failed with him, i just haven't spoken to him and im getting a bad feeling about what's happened between us and think the situation is far too fucked to make sense...far too fucked to sit here and believe i have reason to wait for him and that he's not lying to me...all assumptions (well, strong ideas?) but like i say in a video that ill post later...love is fucking crazy and it has no rules and despite how messed up this situation may appear to be...i love the guy. but dont get me wrong, i wont stop myself from living my life and doing what i feel is right to do, im not exactly waiting for him at this point (have to put myself and my heart first) but if he calls in two weeks, or whenever, and he wasn't lying..and his feelings for me are in tact...ill be there 100%..with all that said..

there's this old song by lifehouse that im sure you've all heard..that pretty much explains how i feel right now about this...about him...1 2 3 go..

I'd rather I chase your shadow all my life
Than be afraid of my own
I'd rather be with you
I'd rather not know
Where I'll be than
Be alone and convinced that I know

When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
And I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

Everything I know has let me down
So I will just let go
Let you turn me inside out
Cause I know I'm not sure
about anything
But you wouldn't have it any other way

When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
And I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

Spinning turning watching burning
All my life has found its meaning
Walking crawling climbing falling
All my life has found its meaning

You and I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

vinny

2008-11-18T07:40:36Z

I know we've never had much of a relationship but I've always wanted to, and the past like..two years or whatever...I thought it was developing, I thought we were goanna be friends.

We talked about some serious stuff after the first death, your father, happened. I couldn't believe you actually opened up to me, I cried so fucking hard- for you, for our family, because it was so terrible, and because somewhere in between it brought us closer, everyone really.

Well now you're a fucking big shot in a signed band and you're on tour all the time and you're living in Florida and you don't give a shit about me. The whole "big shot famous guy" stuff, well it obviously runs in the family but what the fuck...

if I were where you are right now- and YOU were still stuck on the island...me knowing you hate it and are A FUCKING MUSICIAN AS WELL WHO MISSES HER FUCKING COUSIN

ok

you get the point, not like you even read this. but if you do...BY THE BY I BRAG ABOUT MY AMAZING TALENTED COUSIN IN THIS AMAZING BAND ALL THE TIME DID YOU KNOW THAT? NOPE DIDNT THINK SO...well not anymore becausxe I'm just..goanna be a 12 year old about it really...that's why.

Why do I care so much? Well let's just say I don't have much of a family in terms of closeness...among other things..ha. So I'm done trying with you, you go be a big shot, I'll get to my big shot statues, and when we're both really famous no one will even fucking know we're blood related but who cares

ok bye

ztbluescreen @ 2008-11-14T11:31:00

2008-11-14T16:31:19Z

queens

im wide awake...it's morning.

2008-11-13T19:37:36Z

im definitely feeling sick from being in the cold with my ripped up shoes and little jacket all night. i was wrapped up on the couch since i woke up today, watching desperate housewives and then some weird lifetime movie feeling shitty shit-then daniel called and i feel like i can dance around and sing till i collapse, only 21 days now until i see my love again

"i won't be able to make it down there without you"

i decided ill stay and live with the mother until then, not goanna go to port jeff...because in 21 days ill be leaving for the caribbean to stay with danny in his mothers guest house, and i can watch my sailor, sail, fall asleep beside me...

face to face.

i have more faith than ever... in him, in me, in us, and in life. im sober, im awake, and im okay...im finally okay.

(ive been writing in the book you gave me, but i still need a chain for the locket)

ztbluescreen @ 2008-11-13T01:56:00

2008-11-13T07:01:01Z

then danny called, everything is perfect and so fucked at the same time and i always cry when i talk to him
"yea it sounds like you have like..control over your life"
and i do...but not when it comes to you (is what i didn't say back)

and im letting myself speak with this fucking lisp i cant hide it anymore, oh it feels good to suck and sound stupid, i dont care whatever

i bought a bra today? i really hate it but decided i rather not have my tits reach my knees by the time in 30

haha bye

ztbluescreen @ 2008-11-12T23:57:00

2008-11-13T05:02:13Z

who use to write in here? wtf

queens sucks, smoking in t's room doesn't. my back is broken, i hate the city. i don't know where to go from here, bags still packed, father on the phone, florida? lover..who knows...im thinking my hearts goanna get crushed, whatever, i mean this time it's goanna hurt like nothing before..if it does...I'm being silly..but just in case, cause ya know-my arms still bruised, but you still say we're goanna get married. i fucking hate loving you. i hate/love not knowing what's next

rhino
think like a rhino
well see like one
thanks for the analogy A
it helps

i think ive changed a lot, i feel like i have, im sober, i guess i never needed the uppers, weird shit
i think i feel like myself for the first time, (who use to write in here? wtf) even weirder, calm...
five days, forever, gives.or.takes my....(the rest in a private journal) lets just say i had nightmares.

oh boy

ztbluescreen @ 2008-11-11T11:13:00

2008-11-11T16:13:42Z

ztbluescreen @ 2008-11-11T08:23:00

2008-11-11T13:33:16Z

Since I've been "home" I haven't gone out, just cried and slept. I haven't even written about what happened but being in Middletown for five days changed my life, and I'm fucking terrified. I wrote about that summer countless times....I thought that was like the movies, ha. When he comes back he better take me away, until then I'll be writing letters and hoping to hear his voice on the other end, I don't want to make plans until I know his, I don't know what to do with myself. Waiting.

ztbluescreen @ 2008-11-10T11:51:00

2008-11-10T16:52:04Z

I'm in love, for the first time in my life, and if I'm dreaming I don't ever want to wake up. I love you Daniel Walker, my Sailor.

swm

2008-11-03T20:57:27Z

I met you on a beach.

ztbluescreen @ 2008-11-02T11:13:00

2008-11-02T16:45:21Z

October 31st 2008

She had already left, I had already cried, it was time to stand up. I found a little black dress here in my apartment, black tights and red pointed shoes; not so much a costume as an excuse to look pretty.

The four of us sat in the little room with the big windows and the string lights, the hookah, the green, the wine, the white dots. The drum circle sounded perfect, but I was more focused on all the words I sang, they poured out, running from my lips like something that had been trapped inside for years. I don't recall what it was, but everyone was so impressed with the sound, I guess I did alright.

Michael stumbled to bed first, then Joe to the couch. Reed came and sat with me for a while, I don't know what time it was or why I was crying right then, but after he had gone upstairs to sleep-I stayed there crying until I gave up and passed out in Mikes bed at 8AM.

It was the closest I had ever come to jumping. I left goodbye messages to every person I know, not a single person called back or answered or cared...except for someone I never imagined to even flinch at the thought. I don't remember all of what he said or why he got so upset, but I doubt he'll be answering my phone calls now.

I keep fucking up relationships in my life, keep pushing people away, losing more and more. Yea, a lot of my losses are due to my actions, but I can't blame myself completely, not for everything. I never learned to break the fear of rejection I developed from Frank, the fear that every promise is a lie, and any small sign of abandonment deserves no room for explanation, etc etc.

Everything hurts so terribly, and I just want some kind of solid ground...someone to trust without question, a home, then maybe I'd be able to start really working on the other problems in my head and life. There's too much going on, I can't explain and I'm sick of people asking me to...if you want to be there for me...if I'm crying, just hold my hand and sit with me for a while, don't tell me I'm wrong for crying, don't keep pushing me for reasons, I don't know it's all to much now to make sense of.

Oh, I do remember I kept singing about trees, a whole lot. I've written many poems and songs and lines about them as well...I wonder what it means.

Paige Skelly

ztbluescreen @ 2008-10-29T15:54:00

2008-10-29T19:55:44Z

Life is going to rule completely starting Friday, oh my god.

ztbluescreen @ 2008-10-29T11:25:00

2008-10-29T15:38:59Z

You're sweet, really. I'm seeing this soft, affectionate side of you that I've never seen. It's pretty. I think we're going to concur the whole world when I step off the greyhound bus and into your arms tomorrow.

Well I finally left the apartment, and not too long after found myself dancing around a kitchen, shot of JD, some red lipstick. I woke up to sound of my friend snoring, no dogs barking.

I think I need to get my life, out of my head, my head belongs there, my head is not my life. You see? We all take on far too much.

I think I'll start picking at this guys head now, where did you even come from? We've met before, not like this, I never noticed..I like the way you put your words together in sentences.

I don't know how I feel really
But I'm definitely ready to fucking party

-ps

ztbluescreen @ 2008-10-28T14:35:00

2008-10-28T18:35:46Z

So don't be fooled
No don't get lied to
Love was always cruel

And don't act strange
Don't be a stranger
It happened to me, now it's happening to you

But if you take that train under water then we could talk it through

Well if I could tame
All of my desires
Wait out the weather that howls in my brain
Because it seems
That it's always changing
The winds indecision
The sorrowful rain

Yeah, I was a postcard
I was a record
I was a camera
Until I went blind

And now I'm riding
All over this island
Looking for something
To open my eyes

-Conor

ztbluescreen @ 2008-10-24T06:10:00

2008-10-24T10:32:09Z

I found more than what I was looking for, and all at once. At first, everything was blue. The room was black but the Television was on..it appeared to be miles and miles away, the man was wearing blue, blue eye shadow, blue sparkles, and the blue from your bedroom. When everything was shut off, I mean even after the candle had been burning a bit...I kept looking at you because every time I did you were behind a movie screen. I was able to be there but watch as well. The album sounded real new, I mean...brilliant. But only because it was then that I'd first heard it, not driving with anyone else and not in the summer. My eyes were wide open, like the ice on the edge of the window looked like diamonds when we passed street lights. You remember the old way mostly, and I felt we should have turned before sunken meadow to get back to the old way, but once you drove right past the portal;time travel, I looked at you and knew that was exactly what I needed. Memories of the you that is no longer you, raced through my head-like the one time that you got me medicine when I was sick and took care of me, or how I've sat right there so many times with a different you, during the light, on the highway, I don't remember where we were going. Now you're a boy behind a screen. Everything is okay.

i(ps)killer bee

ztbluescreen @ 2008-10-23T17:19:00

2008-10-23T21:59:13Z

I relapsed Monday evening. I have not been sober since then. No one is talking to me and I don't know why. I feel like I'm in some fucked nightmare, trying to scream for help at the top of my lungs but no sound is coming out, no one can see me.

Why am I still here?

I could be searching Middletown for Daniel. I could be in North Carolina at my cousins apartment, and if he's still on tour...sneaking into the bus. I could be in Ohio with Kierstin and other random hot lesbians, Ormond beach Florida with my beautiful Lucy, California-with my crazy Nate (the Johnny Depp look-a-like)...or wonderful, inspiring Julia who just got married. Even Texas with mr. Blondie, Justin, Virginia with my love Vittoria who I haven't seen since grade school, Vegas! with the godsgirl, etc etc.

I'm about to say FUCK YOU to the crucial doctors appointments that are keeping me from leaving right this second. What the hell is going on? Really. If I have to stay here for more than another week I am going to snap.

ztbluescreen @ 2008-10-22T19:07:00

2008-10-22T23:08:44Z

I'm sorry...

ztbluescreen @ 2008-10-21T23:45:00

2008-10-22T03:45:47Z

No time for halfhearted goodbyes

ztbluescreen @ 2008-10-16T22:55:00

2008-10-17T02:56:34Z

And if tree’s could think, I believe I’d be a tree; not really of course, but everyone would have forgotten I am a girl, for I have not moved in years, only gotten taller.

ps

ztbluescreen @ 2008-10-08T12:29:00

2008-10-08T16:29:52Z

Because he took one look at me, and turned his head, after I swam for weeks to reach the shoreline where he lives. Then, soaking wet I stood in the doorway; looked down and saw that his bags were packed.

So let me make one last thing clear, in case you’re unaware. When you grow weak, decide to give up and stop searching the country for something better, only to realize the girl who loved you more than ever, is right where you started, well, she won't be there...yea, I will be gone.

And all of this, for just a moment, led me back to regret, because I can’t rewind and take back the things I’ve done to the countless men who needed me, when I always needed something better.

And all of this, for just a moment, had me in contemplation, as to whether or not I should make the calls to beg for redemption, and starting with Daniel. But the numbers seam to have been erased, and all I can manage to see is hope in things yet to be discovered. Maybe I needed this, to make it on my own…as a matter of fact, I’m sure of it.

And what a beautiful thing to know, that throughout all my terribly lonely days, I was never alone at all.

I guess I’m living proof that everything happens for a reason,
proof that even the weakest of bodies can fight a bloody battle and make it out alive,
proof that there’s more to life than what the eye can see...
because someone up there…sure as hell must love me.

paige